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Night Shade Message Boards » Thackery T. Lambshead Pocket Guide to Eccentric & Discredited Diseases » Eccentric and Discredited Medical Proceedures « Previous Next »

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artsippo
Posted on Thursday, May 15, 2003 - 07:28 pm:   

The Phillistines in the current medical establishment have attempted to deny to the public several medical proceedures that not only promise to give patients what they deserve... uh need but also provide the physician with a certain amount of revenge... uh job satisfaction.

For example consider the ancient art of regional induction of general anesthesia used to relieve chonic pain in patients who are resistant to other methods of pain control. (It is also called euphemistically "Dr. Sippo's Pain Management Program" or "baseball bat to the back of the head."

Unlike other pain remedies, this one is infallible. Applied often enough and with authority, it never fails to stop the pain (eventually). No worries about toxicity, allergies, rashes, or drug interactions. The usual dosage is QID (quartes in diem: 4 times a day) and prn (as needed) by either patient or doctor. There are no harsh chemicals and nothing artficial. The Louisville Slugger is made from all natural wood and gives not only tactal feed back to the operator but a satisfying audible "thunk" to let you know you have connected properly. There are few more satisfying feelings than knocking the tar... uh pain out of some whining... uh suffering chronic pain patient.

This treatment has several advantages over narcotics:

1) It is not habit forming
2) There is no limit in dosing: you titrate to the desired effect.
3) The FDA has no control over this treatment. It is soley under the jurisdiction of the Commissioner of Baseball.
4) Sometimes you just show the patient the bat and the pain goes away. It's amazing!

Next time we will discuss the replacement of all that dreary psychothearpy for badly behaving patients with "ice water enemas until clear." TTFN

Art Sippo MD
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Luís Rodrigues
Posted on Thursday, May 15, 2003 - 10:45 pm:   

Dear Dr Sippo,

I sympathise with your troubles. Believe it or not, I myself am still violently opposed by colleagues who cannot appreciate the effectiveness of initiating treatment for organokleptopathy by dusting the patient's body for prints.

Best,
Dr. Roderick Lewis
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A Grateful Patient
Posted on Friday, September 24, 2004 - 01:56 am:   

Disease Guide doctor escapes lobotomy!

Good news! Yet another Guide doctor has been vindicated, which leaves only nine of them still retained in special centres. When Dr Steve Redwood first propounded his theory of nasal implosion in Reverse Pinnochio Disease, the medical establishment merely sniffed. Even the great (but now somewhat senile) Dr Lambshead himself questioned his colleague's diagnosis.

However, the August 21 issue of The New Scientist strongly supports the good doctor's theory. Two scientists at the University of Chicago have calculated the possibility of a new big bang happening at any particular point in space and time. This is 1 divided by 1 with a mere 100 million trillion trillion trillion trillion zeros after it. Latest theory suggests that 'vacuum energy' can give rise to a new universe. I quote from the learned article: 'If you are unlucky enough to have a new big bang go off inside you, it seems a fair bet that you won't survive'. This is exactly the conclusion to which Dr Redwood arrived!

Faced with this evidence, the state has had to release Dr Redwood back into the community. The case offers new hope for his colleagues still unjustly detained.

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