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Sean Cason
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 05:38 am:   

Lucius,

It seems like Uwe Boll wants to box 3 rounds with some of his critics. What do you say? You even get a mention in the article. Here is the link:

http://news.digitaltrends.com/article11159.html

Sean
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 06:20 am:   

Hilarious. It almost makes me want to see one of his films. "Raging Boll." That's too much.
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 06:40 am:   

Hah! That's funny. I'd rather box him than see another Boll...if fact I'd rather be shot by a firing squad.
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 08:55 am:   

I will put up the money to promote a Lucius Shepard-Uwe Boll full-contact Mixed Martial Arts match in a special Octagon to be constructed in the parking lot of the HalfTime Restaurant, with the CyberBoxingZone as my promotional partner. We can sell advertising for the Live Webcast and "Boll Brawl" merchndise.
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 09:14 am:   

What the hell, I'm there.
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PM
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 09:36 am:   

Fuck him up on your own terms and not his...
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 09:41 am:   

I'll put him in a kimura and choke him out... :-)
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 10:13 am:   

My slogan: "Boll's To the Wall!"
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 10:16 am:   

Bollocks!
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 12:54 pm:   

Look out Uwe, It's a Whole New Boll Game!
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 12:56 pm:   

I imagine when they have an Uwe festival they'll call it Boll-a-rama.
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 01:37 pm:   

These fights are going to constitute the Boll Championship Series.
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 01:39 pm:   

That's already been used by college footboll.
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MarcL
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 01:53 pm:   

The musical, then: Guys and Bolls.
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 01:54 pm:   

We'll call the special octagon we're constructing the Boll-a-drome!
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 02:21 pm:   

...or a Bollagon.

And we'll hold it in the Valley of the Bolls and give the winner The Golden Boll...
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Forrest Aguirre
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 03:15 pm:   

Lucius, you'd mangle the poor guy . . . which might be good for a laugh. Then again, do you really want to give him any more attention than he's already got?
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Mikal Trimm
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 03:15 pm:   

"The musical, then: Guys and Bolls."

Would that be a Boll-ywood musical?
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Mikal Trimm
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 03:18 pm:   

Hey, we could offer Joe Lansdale as Lucius' tag-team partner! Now, if we could only find another director as bad as Boll...
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 03:23 pm:   

Michael Bay
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 03:31 pm:   

Aren't directors as bad as Boll a dime a dozen? What strikes me most about Boll isn't his lack of quality, it's his insanity. Nobody else would challenge critics to boxing.

I think George Lukas is on par with Boll, Lukas is just given a bigger budget. They both have the ability to tell bad stories, have some of the worst dialog in cinema, and rob actors of any acting ability.

Joel Schumacher may be worse than either of them. Jan de Bont (Tomb Raider 2/The Haunting), Renny Harlan.
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 03:40 pm:   

Have you ever seen a Boll movie? His stuff is inconherent. All those directors, execrable as they are, have made better movies than Boll's best, Bloodrayne. Even Michael Bay. Boll's scripts are beyond belief bad. Watch House of the Dead. It would make the MST3K robots cry.
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 04:24 pm:   

I watched House of the Dead. I didn't think it was any less coherent than Tomb Raider 2, and it was marginally more entertaining than The Haunting remake or Schumacher's Batman. I put all the directors I mentioned into a category of "I won't watch another movie by them," which Boll is also in.
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ben peek
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 04:36 pm:   

ohmygod. if you fight him, you get filmed in his next film. jesus. even if you win you lose.
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Mikal Trimm
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 04:42 pm:   

You noticed that little 'Catch-22', did you?

Mwuhahahaha....

You notice you never see Uwe Boll and the Devil in the same room together?

Yet?
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 04:51 pm:   

I think Uwe Boll is by the power of ten worse than Lukas or Shumacher. Those zombies intercut with the video game was much worse than anything those other directors have done, Shumacher has made some films that don't make me want to let snake bite my eyes and Lucas made THX1138 and Graffitti, a solid B-movie. They have devolved, but Uwe never evolved. Oh, well....Not that it matters.
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 05:00 pm:   

Hmm, I had forgotten about the video game inserts. I guess I tried to block them from my memory. Now that I remember them, I'll agree that Boll is worse, but they're all pretty bad.

Here's another contender for on the same level with Boll: John Murlowski. The only thing I've seen by him is Santa With Muscles, which still stands as the worst movie I've ever seen. I'd rather watch House of the Dead again. Heck, a Boll movie marathon sounds better than watching it again.
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 24, 2006 - 05:06 pm:   

Never seem Murlowski -- not eager to. ;)

Perhaps the most jawdroppingly bad film I've seen (aside from countless Vietnamese movies) is Impulse with william shatner. It defies description. One critic called it as "smelling a corpse's feet while drinking sewer water."
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 - 05:37 am:   

I've mostly passed out of the phase where I like bad movies. I'll still watch the occasional one (like Snakes on a Plane, but only then for the lecture). It sounds like I can skip Impulse.
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SCason
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 - 06:43 am:   

All his stuff is just a bunch of Bollshit... House of the dead? That's an hour and a half of my life I can never get back...sigh
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 - 07:01 am:   

Yeah, you can safely miss Impulse. But watching Shatner "act" (he plays a serial killer) is amazing.

One thing you can say about Uwe, he's going to wind uo a Bollionaire,
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 - 07:50 am:   

All this talk makes me want to see one of his films. I'm going to Sam Goody and getting ALONE IN THe DARK. Or should I get BLOODRAYNE?
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 - 07:56 am:   

My guess is you shouldn't get either. But Bloodrayne probably requires less suspension of disbelief (for AitD, I can't imagine Tara Reid as a scientist). Plus, I have fond memories of the game Alone in the Dark, and I know the movie will shit on the memories.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 - 08:11 am:   

Of the two, for the performances (Ben Kingsley, Bill Zane, Meatloaf, Michael Madsen, all in send me my check mode), Bloodrayne. House of the Dead is the peak Boll experience, however.
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 - 10:24 am:   

I didn't have the Bolls. Bloodrayne was $26 and someone beat me to Alone in the Dark (with cute li'l Tara).

So I bought DEAD RINGERS instead.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, August 25, 2006 - 10:33 am:   

Well, needless to say, that's a much better movie. You can find Bloodrayne a lot cheaper.
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MarcL
Posted on Friday, September 01, 2006 - 01:19 pm:   

He's a Master of Manipulation!
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MarcL
Posted on Friday, September 01, 2006 - 01:21 pm:   

http://www.worstpreviews.com/trailer.php?id=337&item=0

And the more concise:

http://www.inthenameoftheking.com/trailer.html

It's not possible to get enough of these. Though similar, each has its own harvest of rich pleasures.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, September 01, 2006 - 03:45 pm:   

Burt reynolds as the king--I almost want to see it.

Sorry, I haven't been responsive. Computer down.
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MarcL
Posted on Friday, September 01, 2006 - 04:12 pm:   

I'm pretty sure this is going to be worth it for King Burt and Ray Liotta doing the eyebrow thing. Also, for people saying "The Krug are ransacking the land!"
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Chris Dodson
Posted on Thursday, September 07, 2006 - 11:18 pm:   

God help us all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjM2w5FOPQw

It's Uwe Boll vs. Some Guy in what has to be the most pathetic boxing match I've ever seen.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 06:00 am:   

That was as bad as House of the Dead....
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 08:54 am:   

Some Guy (Oso? Spaniard with hippie hair) is the worst fighter I've ever seen. He is one of the .000001 of the earth's population whose ass even I could definitely kick. And Boll hardly lays a glove on him!
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 09:05 am:   

That was pretty bad. A girly man fight. There some bad boy critics out here. Boll best watch his ass.
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PM
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 12:56 pm:   

Boll is probably thinking that he's finally filming something that doesn't make him look bad.

As for me I'd toss him in with some Hwood execs, producers, directors, and actors...along with a few large cats.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 01:33 pm:   

Sounds like a movie.... ;)
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PM
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 01:37 pm:   

Hollywood: Boll Live! was a short lived reality show.

Investigators are still trying to determine how declawed, defanged, vegatarian cats could gobble 'em up.

Could it have been boredom?

Larry King was quoted as remarking on the danger inherent in live television...
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 02:06 pm:   

I just tried watching the clip and was bored after a few seconds. It didn't improve. What a dull fight.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 02:34 pm:   

It was completely amatuerish. Boll claims to have been a pro fighter, but after seeing that, I think he's a liar.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 03:57 pm:   

BTW, if I fight Boll, I'm gonna insist on a big bet between us.
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MarcL
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 05:46 pm:   

If you lose, he gets to adapt one of your stories.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 05:52 pm:   

there's no way I'd lose, but maybe I'd throw the fight under those circumstances -- I could use the money. :-)
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ben peek
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 09:52 pm:   

you could do it ever couple of months. boll vs shepard V: shepard needs a new kitchen. :-)
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 10:06 pm:   

Great idea. We could do a DVD. VENDETTA: The best KOs from Shepard-Boll.
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PM
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 10:38 pm:   

Setup a Paypal account so folk can send you cash...
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Rich Patterson
Posted on Friday, September 08, 2006 - 11:25 pm:   

NO PADS, NO HELMETS... JUST BOLLS :-)

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