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Lucius
Posted on Friday, August 22, 2003 - 04:09 pm:   

My favorite fan letter thus far, sent by students at a girl's school in England (names omitted):



Dear Mr. Lucius Shepard,
We are firmly convinced the devil dwells within your soul. Do you eat
babies? Have you ever stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt? WE THINK SO. After
reading "The Trouble with Harry", it is clear that you are the most evil
person who ever walked the face of the earth. You obviously do not believe
in love and have no feelings. Although we admire your skepticism of pop
culture, leave Harry the hell alone. Seriously. We will come after you and
perform the best "Avada Kadavra" EVER. You are dead meat.
How can you be so blinded to something so wonderful? We are very skilled
fighters when people we love are bashed. Harry is one of the many people we
love, you are not. This is not a threat, we just want you to know.
Refering back to your article, "They do not challenge, illuminate, or
enthrall anyone above the mental age of 12. " Not so! I would make a list of
all the doctors, lawyers and educated people who are a hell of a lot smarter
than you who love Harry Potter. But, you're not worth that much of my time.
And is it relevant to go on about the orphan motif and the apparent symbols
of social classes? No. These are books that people read for fun, for
enlightenment, and for relaxation. Don't analyze them, ENJOY THEM!!
You say that you are a dad. I pity your kids, not only because they have to
be related to Satan, but because they will be half-orphans soon.
Again, not a threat. But be careful what you say, little man.
Harry is purely good. Have you ever considered that since millions and
millions of people worldwide love Harry so much and you are the one and only
person who hates him, there may be a problem with you? Or instead of
realizing what an antisocial friendless piss-ant you are, you pretend to be
wiser and better than all the rest of us? Your article didn't just diss
Harry. It dissed mankind. And someday, you will pay. Maybe not now, but when
you die, God will realize what a jackass you are and you won't have a
freaking chance! This "brain-eating alien drool" is the coolest book/movie
ever, and if you can't see that, that's your problem. We don't need to hear
about it.
Oh, and by the way, Draco Malfoy's father's name is Lucius. We have reason to
believe you're him.
And Satan's other name is Lucifer. Which is a lot like yours.
Coincidence? We think not.
With icy regards,
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Penelope Prissey-Bottomsley
Posted on Friday, August 22, 2003 - 06:02 pm:   

Well, they've a point now, haven't they, you great evil menace!

Long live HP!!

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Lucius
Posted on Friday, August 22, 2003 - 06:53 pm:   

That's me, PB-B, the GEM.
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paulw
Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 03:20 am:   

Lucius . . . Luciusfer . . . the bad shepard, who leads the flock astray . . . of course, it's all so clear to me now . . . how could I have been so blind?!
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lucius
Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 04:53 am:   

Yup, Paul. That's me, the essence du evil. I dissed mankind...like that's a bad thing?

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minz
Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 07:43 am:   

>>You obviously do not believe in love and have no feelings

I sincerely hope you sent them a copy of "The Sun Spider" . . . Not that I'm saying they're getting the rest of it wrong. (Though I'm certain you must be greatly relieved that as long as you don't die, God will never know just how much of a jackass you are. Cryogenics de Luciufer, LLC has a nice ring to it.)
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Nick Mamatas
Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 09:33 am:   

"With icy regards,"

I'm stealing that for my own use.
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Lucius
Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 10:41 am:   

minz,

Well, the rest of may be rightish, but I think I have to issue a disclaimer as to being :"the most evil person ever to walk the earth..." and pissants have the odd pal or two..

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Rimshot
Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 10:47 am:   

I've seen a pal or two of yours are they are quite odd...

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Lucius
Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 10:53 am:   

Nick....

Yup. "Icy regards" is good.

Lots of food for thought here. The Crap is Good stated with nice passion.

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Lucius
Posted on Saturday, August 23, 2003 - 11:16 am:   

Rimshot,

where's Skippy when I need him...?
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Rob Furey
Posted on Sunday, August 24, 2003 - 08:02 pm:   

I once had a student write me a ltter after a semester ended that said at first I "seemed like the devil himself" but then turned out to be just a nice guy doing his job, but unfortunatly I "would burn for eternity for it." Why do these folks take courses in Evolution if the are going to damn me? Fan mail!
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M. Bishop
Posted on Monday, August 25, 2003 - 04:50 am:   

Dissing mankind? When did they stop teaching the young ladies in British schools the contributions to English literature of Jonathan Swift?

Oh, yeah, I forgot -- Jon was redneck Irish.

I once received a letter from an irate Christian, by the way, who was certain I was going to hell because the narrator of my story "Diary of a Dead Man" happened to do a brief riff on cunnilingus. I'm just hoping that J. K. Rowling gets poor Harry that far. . . .
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, August 25, 2003 - 07:07 am:   

Rob,

as a charter member of the Burn for Eternity Club, Let me just say that it's a smoker's paradise. As for where these folks get their mojo, I guess crazy is forever, you know.
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, August 25, 2003 - 07:11 am:   

Mike,

Harry Potter and the Tongue of Fire?

I think we ne need to Petition Rowlings. :P
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M. Bishop
Posted on Tuesday, August 26, 2003 - 04:25 am:   

Absolutely.
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Neal Stanifer
Posted on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 12:59 am:   

Um, sounded like a love letter to me. Some people just express themselves differently. Hey, I wonder if the girls who wrote this are legal...
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 06:53 am:   

Neal, yeah, there was that element. Somehow I doubt the legality of the senders, however
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Jeremy Lassen
Posted on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 10:03 am:   

My favorite part of the letter was the assumption that Doctors and Lawyers are "smart people”. Also, the "everyone but you feels this way, so you must be wrong" attitude really sums up the adolescent experience.

Kind of like a recent Flag waving patriotic frenzy here in the US a few months back. "everyone" was for the war, so it must have been a good thing, right? I'm not trying to say that our elected leaders and the Press, and the assholes with ratty flags flying from their SUV's are a bunch of easily led adolescents --- err wait... I AM trying to say that. Never mind.
-jl
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 12:07 pm:   

So Jeremy, like does it follow Harry Potter is a warmongering reactionary?

Sounds good to me. I'll incorporate the notion in my next reveiw. Harry Potter and the WMD.
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Snock
Posted on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 05:48 pm:   

HP and the WMD... Nice one!

A much better title than Michael Gerber's book, Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody. Can't say I've read it, but it's supposed to tell of a twenty something Barry who is brought out of retirement to film yet another sequel.

You’re not, as your fan letter suggests, the one and only person who’s been dissing Harry.
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, August 28, 2003 - 06:44 pm:   

"You're not, as your fan letter suggests, the one and only person who's been dissing Harry."

Yeah, but as the letter also suggests, I may be the only one left alive.... :-)

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Evan McClanahan
Posted on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 12:56 pm:   

Do you get this kind of thing a lot? I hope so. Recieving letters like that on a regular basis would be a huge incentive for me, as an aspiring writer, to get my career off the ground as soon as I can.
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Lucius
Posted on Sunday, December 07, 2003 - 07:38 pm:   

I get my share, mostly from the reviews. People tend to be more passionate about movies than books these days. The books engender a different sort of mail, everything from corrections of my grammar to 60 plus page letters from whackos.
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Claude Lalumière
Posted on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 02:17 pm:   

I'll second what Lucius says. I rarely get feedback about book reviews (although I do get some -- especially when someone feels like insulting me), but my film reviews invariably provoke more reactions, usually impolite and somewhat ranty. Even when I love something (Mulholland Drive comes to mind), I get nasty emails.
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, December 08, 2003 - 06:09 pm:   

Actually, I get about half and half favorable/unfavorable on the film reviews...the people who hate me say I'm a snob, and the favorable folks say I made 'em laugh....But like Claude says, I rarely get letters about book reviews. But truthfully, I live for the whacko letters. :-)

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