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matthew rossi
Posted on Wednesday, September 01, 2004 - 03:39 pm:   

I have no idea how accurate or honest this stuff is. But it's funny. My favorites:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

So I'm thinking we should actually try and create some horrible analogies. Can we beat these?

My first attempt:

James' felt his heart sink like a hippotamus in an inadequately inflated raft.
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Rhys
Posted on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 04:43 am:   

As lovers they were like two islands linked only by rusting cargo vessels crewed by baboons.

Man, just give me time on this one!
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Matthew Rossi
Posted on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 07:17 am:   

Abraham's rage swelled within him like a man with the mumps who was stung by bees and discovered an allergy to bee stings at that moment.

And hey, take all the time you want. Bad analogies are fun. And better here than in actual work.
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Brian Frost
Posted on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 02:13 pm:   

Jack endured his flesh wounds like a woman in her period. Despite the burning pain, he knew he would survive the loss of blood, however nothing burned hotter than his anger -- let no one even try to fuck with him until the matter was over.
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Luis
Posted on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 02:17 pm:   

I don't know what possessed me to post to that thread, but I was as bored as a bad analogy.
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Luis
Posted on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 02:19 pm:   

(I, of course, wrote a *bad* analogy, not merely a ridiculous one.)
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Luis
Posted on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 02:25 pm:   

Looking at that page Matt provided, I thought I recognised some of the paragraphs. At least a few are entries from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, which awards (often intentionally) bad writing from around the world. The contest is inspired by the famous first paragraph from _Paul Clifford_, "It was a dark and stormy night . . ."

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

Best,
Luís
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Matthew Rossi
Posted on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 02:46 pm:   

yeah, I figured it probably wasn't from high school essays, but I still found it amusing. Bad analogies are fun! Truly ridiculous and overwrought ones are MORE fun!

The vampires circled in the darkness, warded off by the cross like a crowd of beer swilling troglodytes whose significant others wanted to talk about their feelings.
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Ron Dingman
Posted on Thursday, September 02, 2004 - 10:39 pm:   

She nuzzled luxuriously into his neck, savoring his heady man-musk, so much like the tang of her flatuses after a good curry dinner.
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Brian Frost
Posted on Friday, September 03, 2004 - 04:33 am:   

Jimmy blushed a deep crimson when his mother caught him eating the chocolate, and for a moment his chubby little face seemed like the butt of a babboon who had just been to defecate near a cluster of nettles.
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Brian Frost
Posted on Friday, September 03, 2004 - 04:35 am:   

Babboon being a new species of stuttering baboon.
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Brian Frost
Posted on Friday, September 03, 2004 - 06:42 pm:   

Ten years after the divorce, he sometimes still felt like the naked flame of her body could ignite the broken wind of his love.

I swear this'll be my last attempt at toilet humor. I SWEAR.
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AliceB
Posted on Saturday, September 04, 2004 - 01:48 pm:   

Her lips were as juicy as a ripe tomato that had just gone over the edge of ripe, you know, with brown spots and a little wet spot where an invisible crack let some of the juices out.
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matthew rossi
Posted on Saturday, September 04, 2004 - 02:13 pm:   

He woke up tired, like someone who'd been out drinking all night and met up with some old friends that he hadn't seen in a while and decided 'hey, fuck it, I'm only getting older' and so they went from bar to bar imbibing wildly, telling old stories in voices that grew in volume and which slurred into nonsense, finally coming home to collapse on his couch and wake up several hours later, very tired, tired like a man who finds his analogy running away from him like a two-headed snake stolen from the St. Louis Zoo by inept kidnappers, who failed at stealing the snake like a drunken man on a couch waking with a hangover trying to come up with an analogy for how tired he was.

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