|Posted on Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 06:04 pm: |
I was in the book store the day that the new Harry Potter book came out and I saw this pile of Harry Potter knockoffs for half the price. They have a thinly disguised Potter look-a-like hero rendered in crappy art, Charlie Bone. Anyway, one of the titles caught my fancy -- Midnight For Charlie Bone. It cracked me up. My mind was reeling with both sexual and drug related scenarios based on that title. So here's a contest -- who can come up with the best one sentence scenario for a book with the title -- MIDNIGHT FOR CHARLIE BONE? The best scenario will win something appropriate, honestly.
|Posted on Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 09:07 pm: |
Charlie Bone know he ain't supposed to be out wid his damn cuzzins after dark when it be a school night, but here he is, big pimpin', spendin' Gs, and in the trunk is raw and next thing they know in the rearview is the mother-fuckin' law; it look like Charlie got worse trouble than some Dumb-Shit-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Name or some shit like that, cause when the canines show up they gonna be takin' him and his worthless cuzzins down to juvie and then they all gonna be wishin' they was back at the castle or wherever the fuck they have that freak school for some magic lessons, and you know that even though it sound all crazy and shit, you
know you cain't wait to read it, bitch, so buy the damn book and let's ride.
|Posted on Thursday, July 21, 2005 - 10:36 pm: |
Deb: You are the Bone. So far, out of all the hundreds of submissions, yours is the best.
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 06:42 am: |
Charlie walked in a Pizza Delivery Boy, and walked out a Pizza Delivery MAN...
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 07:08 am: |
MIDNIGHT FOR CHARLIE BONE
Charlie Bon is a dedicated family man and researcher at the local nuclear institute for the well-adjusted. One night, he's working late splitting some atoms and drinking some jack-and-coke when, at the stroke of midnight, he creates some radioactive stuff that burns his face and makes makes a certain part of his anatomy forever stiff. (Cue: instrumental Barry White music.) He has an epiphany right then and there and changes his name to Charlie Bone, abandons his family, and moves to Los Angeles. There, he gets all caught up in the drug subculture and, naturally, the porn industry. As his downward spiral continues, he realizes, through the haze of alcohol and drugs, that his midnight is still ahead of him...
Charlie Bon is a dedicated family man and researcher at the local nuclear institute for the well-adjusted. He lives with his attractive family in a three-bedroom house by the sea. One night, he's working late splitting some atoms and drinking some jack-and-coke when, at the stroke of midnight, he creates some radioactive stuff that burns his face and turns him into a huge, ambulatory squid. He knows he can never face his family in this condition, so he dives into the sea and learns how to communicate with other cuttlefish, squid, and octopi. After a long time of swimming around in the sea and strobing and stuff, he finds a way to form his tentacles into an approximation of human limbs. He lurches onto the beach, scares a beach bum into giving him his clothes, squirms into them, and lurches up to the house to meet his family once again. It's close to midnight by the time he gets to the door. His eyes are on each side of his head, so it's kinda hard to navigate. Besides, his legs don't work right so he's a bit like a moving ladder, moving almost crablike. When his wife opens the door, she sees a squid head in some smelly clothes, screams, and grabs her shotgun. Charlie just stands there. The novel ends with him looking into the house longingly, with the sounds of his wife bringing the buckshot. "Bone" is a typo brought forward from the French edition.
Charlie Bone's an old man, stuck in an assisted living home. One day, his grandson visits him and ask him to tell him a story. Bone tells him about how he once worked in a nuclear facility splitting atoms and stuff. But the kid finds it pretty boring, so Bone tells him the real story, which is that he's a wizard who was educated at a place called Porkzit. "I am not one of the mugged. I'm magical," Bone tells him. "It even took me 2,000 pages of hell to pass through puberty--and I was a shit to everyone." The kid says, "That's not very interesting, either." Bone says, "According to the spell I was under, I had to have seven books' worth of adventures. And each book had to be twice as long as the last. If I didn't fulfill this prophecy, I would disappear and be sent to hell." The kid says, "Doesn't sound very exciting, either." Bone says, "Well, how about this." And he tells him about a guy who turned into a giant squid. The kid says, "That's even worse." By around midnight, the kid's still bored and Bone is sick of trying to entertain him. The novel ends with Bone staring out the window at the stars while the kid tells him all about the plot of the latest Grand Theft Auto video game.
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 07:14 am: |
Minz: Your Bone is minimal, but size, here, doesn't matter. Sweeping in its import.
VanderMeer: That was one sentence, but still, extra Bone points for going above and beyond the Bone with these three gems.
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 07:22 am: |
The Clock struck Midnight, and she was dead, but Charlie himself escaped with minor injuries -- mainly a broken bone in his little toe -- which later earned him his gangster nickname; and, needless to say, the Clock's days were numbered.
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 07:22 am: |
Ouch. That was bad. My profound apologies.
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 07:25 am: |
Alistair: Probably better than the one at the book store. We are proud to accept your submission. Thanks!
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 07:28 am: |
Oh, crap. Disqualified for verbosity. Again!
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 12:59 pm: |
Angels, I have a VERY special mission for you today . . .
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 01:37 pm: |
Jeff, do we get to vote on our favorite or are you the sole judge of this contest???
|Posted on Friday, July 22, 2005 - 09:11 pm: |
Ann: You can vote only if you do one. In your case, Ann, you can vote anyway.
Luke: Your bone is an ineffable thing. Existential, I'd say. Nice work!
|Posted on Saturday, July 23, 2005 - 09:47 am: |
What is it that turned Charlie Wockelfuss, a shy kid from Crazy Squaw Creek, Montana into that legend of the after-dark, downtown scene known to the Manhattan cognicenti as Midnight Charlie Bone?
|Posted on Saturday, July 23, 2005 - 06:03 pm: |
Charlie Bone, bon vivant, unguent soaked gentleman of the smoking chamber, lives life to its fullest when the moon drips its wild light through the pear-shaped windows of his bedchamber, and extraordinary women of the gutter seep through his door, letting off the perfume of trembling raw adventure.
|Posted on Sunday, July 24, 2005 - 12:43 am: |
Clearly Charlie Bone is just one of the many who were initiated into Harry Potter's Order of the Penis in Book Five.
|Posted on Sunday, July 24, 2005 - 11:26 am: |
At midnight when that bitch-spawn Snoopy, that finger-licking good Woodstock, that blanket-toting Linus and the rest of the ghosts arrived and raised their hatchets, the man currently calling himself Charlie Bone was struck to the bone literally much like the innumerable victims who had died under his axe-rage.
|Posted on Sunday, July 24, 2005 - 03:05 pm: |