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Lucius
Posted on Tuesday, July 06, 2004 - 04:54 pm:   

Intended to a thread concerning Jesus oddities and merchandise and quasi-factoids and like that. I've been trying to get back in touch with my southernness lately, and I'm hoping gettin' Jesus-ey will help.

Jesus Bumper Sticker of the Month, kind of a play on the What Would Jesus Do bracelets:

Who Would Jesus Bomb?
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MarcL
Posted on Tuesday, July 06, 2004 - 11:02 pm:   

My favorite wristlet:

wtfwjd?

Also, I had a movie title running thru my head today for some reason (I think it had to do with a bumper sticker): Jesus, Swordsman of Galilee!
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MarcL
Posted on Tuesday, July 06, 2004 - 11:12 pm:   

Now I remember why I was thinking about this. Because I had "Jesus Loves Me" by "Baby Lu-Lu" running through my head this afternoon, after having spent a bit of time here yesterday:

http://www.aprilwinchell.com/multimedia/

(Scroll down to "Terrifying Christian Recordings." Should keep you busy for a while.)

And that was making me think about that line from Matthew: "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword." And I was wondering what might be done with that sword in relation to Lu-Lu.
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 05:39 am:   

Yeah, that's a little frightening. Who'd ever think there'd be a song called "The Monkey Song/The Ecumenical Moment," sung by the "Very young Crystal Bernard..."

Far outstrips for eccentricity, though not for quality, the Louvin Bros. "Thank You, Dear God, For Victory in Korea..."

I suppose you've been to:

www.jesuschristsuperstore.net/


The Jesus action figure is described thusly:

"the father, the son, and the bad motherf..."

includes Ninja-Messiah throwing nails

Death Killer-Cross pump action over-under shotgun

Figure size - 7.5cm standing


This fits in well with JESUS, SWORDSMAN OF GALILLEE....
Me, I like the Pope and God Almighty figures, too....
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 06:32 am:   

I've always been fascinated by Jesus/Mary apparitions (Jesus in a tortilla, etc.). It amazes me that nobody has done a coffee book entitled THE BIG BOOK OF CHRISTIAN APPARITIONS. It would be fasinating as all he..., er, I mean, heck. Anyone know a good apparition website?

Lucius, I have also always thought that the Second Coming would be an amazing subject for a screenplay, and not LEFT BEHIND either. Imagine if a long-haired Middle Eastern radical character preaching about "the sword" and the Day of Reckoning showed up on the streets of New York under the reign of the Ashcroft Justice Department? JESUS OF GUANTANAMO BAY. I can see it now. The Greatest Story Never Told, but for the intervention of the Freedom of Information Act. Michael Moore meets Cecil B. DeMille...

Did anyone see that news story a few years ago about the guy in Western Pennsylvania dressed in Jesus robes, walking and preaching throughout economically-depressed Western PA? He apparently caused quite a stir...
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 06:44 am:   

I think the Second Coming would be a tough sell in Hwood, even after The Passion, And if you could get it made, you'd have to do the MOR good Christian version of it. As an Indy film you could do it....but would it fly? Mmmm. Maybe...

Don't know an apparitions site. Anyone...?

More later...
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 06:56 am:   

I think the REAL Second Coming would make a great comedy. Imagine the scenes:

Jesus invited to a Mel Gibson script reading, which he continually interrupts with historical corrections, only to be shouted down by Hollywood types ("Jesus, baby, every story needs a villain!");

Jesus invited as a "guest speaker" to a local Baptist church, only to be run out of town after he gives all the food for the Baptist fried chicken supper to local homeless people;

TSA interrogators flummoxed by the mysterious passenger's complete lack of luggage or carry-ons frantically searching to find "Nazareth" and "Galilee" in a Rand McNally atlas during an airport questioning session;

The Justice Department desperately trying to get wiretap authority on Jesus' phone (he has none), subpoena authority over his bank accounts (nope), and a search warrant for his residence (strike three);

Jesus arrested for disturbing the peace after launching an impromptu sermon outside a "megachurch" meeting at the New Orleans Superdome.

The comic possibilities abound. You could call it "WWJD"...
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 07:23 am:   

The problem's not in concept but in marketing and distribution. In one of Bob Sheckley's books, Dimension of Miracles, Jesus lives in an asylyum, a circlet of flies forming a halo over his head. Kind of like your scenario. There was a novel about the second coming, a clone Jesus from Shroud of Turin DNA...
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 08:03 am:   

Those both sound interesting, but neither one sounds like a laff riot. It could work if it was marketed as an irreverent comedy. Paris Hilton as a trailer park hottie who plays Mary Magdelene at the local Jesus theme park and becomes romantically drawn to the new rebel in town. Dave Chappelle as Judas, who sells out JC to get a better deal on a pot bust. I see James Franco as Jesus...

Yeah, shroud DNA and halos of flies don't inspire chuckles on the midnight movie circuit...
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 08:17 am:   

The marlketing aspects would be nightmarish however you mounted it. Theater owners would be loathe to show the film. And they wouldn't have any moral force on their side as they do with the Moore film. My feeling, it would be limited to the smallest of houses, repertoire houses with 50-100 seats. No studio would greenlight such a project and indie people couldn't swing the money unless they had some promise of distribution. So you're talking about a SERIOUSLY low budget film. Distributors would be so paranoid, especially in light of the 630 million generated by the PASSION, they wouldn't take a chance.
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 08:39 am:   

Awwww, you're no fun anymore. :-)
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 08:45 am:   

Well, you could do some media thing. A book, a play, something like that. And if it caught on, got some notoriety, then a movie might fly...
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 10:31 am:   

It would be the new J.C. Superstar, I tells ya. We could do it as a musical...
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 10:43 am:   

Off off Broadway....

Actualy, I'm more interested in an Iraq occupation musical...I have this recurring dream of a chorus line of dancing terrorist guys in those shawls and ski masks, and have already written lyrics and melody to one song, "Roller Babes of Baghdad..."
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 11:01 am:   

THE TSA INTERROGATION SONG (bouncily)

TSA Inspector Hemm and Deputy Inspector Haww (urgently, circling JC at interrogation table):

Where in the hell is Judea?
Where in the hell can it be?
With satellites mapping out the Middle East
How could we lose the Sea of Galilee?
The CIA has lost Arimathea
Nobody there has seen Cyrene
And Bush thinks Nazareth is just a metal band
That opened in New Haven once for Queen!

Where in the hell is Judea
Where in the hell can it be?
We've x-rayed every inch of ground for oil fields
How could we lose a whole society?
We know that there's a road to Damascus
So we take his story Syria-s-ly
But with no passport in his cloak
This guy's a threat and that's no joke
So he's the problem of N-Y-P-D
We checked his sandals for a fuse
And his breath and blood for booze
Now we'll hand him to N-Y-Pee-Deeeeeee....


I'm telling you, we're sitting on a million dollar idea! :-)
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S. Hamm
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 03:37 pm:   

Marky Marc:

Just for you.
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 03:59 pm:   

And if Who would Jesus Bomb is something you want to add to your wardrobe, google Northern Sun -- they have a very fetching shirt complete with litte Christian fish symbol bombs....
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MarcL
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 04:13 pm:   

That's awesome, Hammuel! I tell ya, I missed a career in marketing crap.

The best bumper sticker I've seen in a couple days: GEORGE W. BUSH IS A LYING SACK OF SHIT. It was fun explaining that to the kids.
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MarcL
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 04:14 pm:   

That slogan is of course especially for Christian gamers.

GG!
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 08:10 pm:   

Tabloid news of J...

"According to a new translation of an ancient scroll, Jesus Christ was the super-macho captain of his high school team and a world class pole vaulter. In vaulting competitions, he soared to record heights without benefit of a pole, simply floating to victory. At swim meets, he raced to wins by racing at lightning speeds, presaging his Biblical miracle by 16 years.

"'This scroll indicates the Messiah was an athlete of unique ability,' says Dr. Rufus Crenshaw, who discovered the scroll at an archaeological dig near Jerusalem in 1968. 'Judging by illustrations on the scroll, Christ won hundreds of blue ribbons and first place trophies, often to the chagrin of his own teammates.'

"The scroll also suggests that for all his abilities, Christ was in many ways normal. Like any other teenage athlete, his sports sandals 'stinketh to high heaven.'

"Jesus' earthly parents, Joseph and the Virgin Mary, embarrassed Jesus by engaging in what the scroll calls 'overzealous support.'

"'They seem to have delighted in catcalling and razzing other parents about their Son's gifts,' says Crenshaw of Capetown, South Africa....
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Joseph Paul Haines
Posted on Thursday, July 08, 2004 - 07:58 am:   

>>Actualy, I'm more interested in an Iraq occupation musical...I have this recurring dream of a chorus line of dancing terrorist guys in those shawls and ski masks, and have already written lyrics and melody to one song, "Roller Babes of Baghdad..."<<

Hey Lucius, if you haven't caught Tony Kushner's new play, "Homebody/Kabul," you really should check it out. Not quite the "Hitler for Springtime," type of theatre production you imagined above, but . . .
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, July 08, 2004 - 08:04 am:   

Thanks, Joseph....I'll look on the net. Where I live, we're not likely to get anything more aventurous theatre-wise than a touring company of the Music Man.
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Bob Urell
Posted on Thursday, July 08, 2004 - 11:22 am:   

What are you talking about, Lucius! I hear that Washougal High is putting on a spirited rendition of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. I bought you a ticket, it came with a bass pole. I think Tanya Harding's going to be there. I know how you like Tanya and her big ass truck and that hubcap trick she does....
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, July 08, 2004 - 11:50 am:   

That's Tonya, Urell. If she's there, I'm there. I'm a fan.....
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Bob Urell
Posted on Thursday, July 08, 2004 - 08:51 pm:   

Oh, hell, Lucius. SHE can't spell it. Why should I know how?
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, July 08, 2004 - 08:58 pm:   

You should learn the name of Tonya -- she's our Courtney Love!
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, July 08, 2004 - 09:01 pm:   

And speaking of Jesus --- anybody seen those little plaster cast deals, the ones that show the Savior in his robes, playing football with a couple of little kids, handing off to one of them? That's a primo item in my book....Top Quality Jesus mechandising.
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, July 09, 2004 - 06:19 am:   

I prefer the Mel Gibson cross-nail necklaces. That, to me, is far beyond any kind of boundary of good taste that it should win a prize. Could you imagine what would have happened if they sold "Hinckley bullet" necklaces? But replicas of Calvary cross-nails are OK? Man, even for a non-practicing Catholic that strikes me as pretty f***ed.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, July 09, 2004 - 08:05 am:   

Hinkley bullet neckleaces? Hmmm....
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Bruce
Posted on Friday, July 09, 2004 - 09:55 pm:   

Shocking that no one has twigged to...

http://www.herobuilders.com/

home of the Talking Jesus Action Figure!

Do enjoy :0)
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, July 09, 2004 - 10:51 pm:   

Sweet!!!!

Very Jesus-ey.

I like the personal action figure option...
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Rich P.
Posted on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 03:46 pm:   

Finally found something appropriate for here. This story has "Jesus-ness" AND "Southern-ness"...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/religion/Story/0,2763,1314466,00.html

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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, September 29, 2004 - 03:55 pm:   

That's priceless, Rich!
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Minz
Posted on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 06:41 am:   

Frickin' BEEOOOTIFULL!
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 08:21 am:   

Wait, so let me get this straight. There are six Christian sects who occupy parts of the temple and they are constantly bickering over who owns what part and who is disrespecting who or getting in someone's way?

And no one has thought about installing cameras and editing together a reality series??? Fly in Julie Chen to interview the clerics and you've got REALLY, REALLY BIG BROTHER, new this fall on CBS!
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AliceB
Posted on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 09:41 am:   

The kicker, of course, is that who gets to settle these fistfights? The israeli police.

A couple of years ago, when a police officer was questioned about having to do this, his response was essentially: "Hey, this is Jerusalem. All the religions bicker."
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 10:44 am:   

Not any more! Now, each week, the religions get together and vote one sect out of the temple!

"No way, Hannah! The Greek Orthodox church is not crazy! It just came out that way in the editing! Whatever!"
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Minz
Posted on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 12:30 pm:   

Oh. My. God. I would _love_ to watch that show. But forget the Hollywood version. Just set up the webcams with translators and let the hijinx begin.
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, September 30, 2004 - 12:55 pm:   

"Stavros! Mahmood didn't sweep the temple again! Dude, Rabbi Shlomi says he's sick with momo...again! Uh, yeah right! Who ate the last of my sacramental wafers? Dude, that was WEAK!"

Some interdenominational beatdowns coming your way, fer sure! Lord only knows what Father Dan is saying to the American viewing audience in the "red room"!
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 08:13 am:   

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/11/16/ebay.sandwich.ap/index.html

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AliceB
Posted on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 10:51 am:   

I say she looks like Madonna.
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 11:05 am:   

Or Drew Barrymore in ET. But would these interpretations explain the complete absence of mold?
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Pizza Nightmare Sufferer
Posted on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 04:46 pm:   

"But would these interpretations explain the complete absence of mold?"

A warm, dry environment might.

Maybe I should take out my miraculous "Rumsfield" pizza. When I orderd it from Pizza Hut a few years ago, I thought it would be a waste of $10.00. After all, I couldn't very well eat it with that face glaring at me. But I couldn't exactly throw it away, either. Throwing it away might have very dire consequences. If I can get $16,000 for it, though, then maybe it wasn't a waste. Who am I kidding? No one's going to pay $16,000 for a pizza with Rumsfield's face. Anyone want a three year old pizza? I'll pay you $20. Please, take it! It's even in the original box.
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 04:55 pm:   

Guess I should just cut my losses on my Condi Rice somosa, eh?
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Dave G.
Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 08:22 am:   

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/11/23/ebay.sandwich.ap/index.html

I don't know what's nuttier:

a. That someone should think the Virgin Mary's face is in a cheese sandwich?
b. That someone would keep it in a plastic bag for a decade on her nightstand?
c. That someone would auction it off on the internet?
d. That someone would pay $28,000 for it; or
e. That the winning bidder is an offshore internet casino that buys advertising space on boxers' backsides

Is there any hope for America?
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StephenB
Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 06:26 pm:   

Well said Dave.:-)
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Brian Frost
Posted on Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - 11:39 pm:   

I like how this Virgin Mary has a femme fatale look about her.
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Bruce Chrumka
Posted on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - 05:49 am:   

And now a guy from Kingston, Ontario is offering on eBay a fishstick with the face of Jesus burned into it. Today's Calgary Herald had a picture...I thought he looked a bit like a young George Orwell. That with the grilled cheese sandwich will just about cover lunch.
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - 07:35 am:   

I'm thinking this could become a cottage industry.... :-)
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Luís
Posted on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - 04:06 pm:   

Nobody yet thought of selling the toaster that grilled cheese sandwich came from . . . Surely it's been touched by God? Maybe they're using it to mass-produce sandwiches with divine images burned into them.
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Dave G.
Posted on Saturday, November 27, 2004 - 01:01 pm:   

But why a grilled cheese sandwich? Wouldn't you think that Mary would put her imprimatur on a more healthy, low-fat alternative? Say, watercress, or cottage cheese? And what does this say about any kind of divine guidance to consume dairy products? And could this be used as some kind of justification to condemn kosher dietary laws? The theological implications abound.

As for the Jesus fishstick, those with expertise in scriptural interpretation instantly grasp the link between Jesus and fish symbolism. How appropriate that he should choose to manifest himself in a modern version of fish products, such as, say, a fish stick, or a MacDonald's Filet?
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T Andrews
Posted on Sunday, November 28, 2004 - 09:49 am:   

I await the Holy PopTart...
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Luís
Posted on Wednesday, December 01, 2004 - 02:10 pm:   

Cheese can be holy too.

*groan*

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Lucius
Posted on Sunday, January 28, 2007 - 11:21 am:   

Seen on the highway, a bumper sticker:

Jesus Is My River Card.
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Huw
Posted on Sunday, January 28, 2007 - 12:07 pm:   

Whatever you do, don't click or run the mouse over the baby's eyes:http://objectiveministries.org/babyj/
Have You Accepted Jesus Yet?
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Lucius
Posted on Sunday, January 28, 2007 - 12:20 pm:   

That looks like the thousand year old mummy baby Jesus!

Spooky.
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PM
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 09:50 am:   

"So why is all this American Jesus art so booty-ass ugly? Is it that our religion is rotten, or our art or both?"

Last I checked it was Europeans who did the art that you admire.

The Protestant early Americans weren't big on fine art as it was considered along the lines of "graven images". And there was that entire rebellion against the corruption of the Catholic church which would also include the cathedrals. So many of the early American protestants were interested in a stripped down style of worship. And they weren't that wealthy either (as opposed to a church/state Rome)...
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Dave G.
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 10:31 am:   

Well, clearly we've come full circle on that one, with the rise of the "megachurch" and their attendant media empires. The tiny white clapboard chapel in the woods is a thing of the past.

So if American religion has grown an appetite for the big and gaudy, monuments included, why are the aesthetics so deficient?

PM's idea that America divorced spirituality from artistic craft in its early days might hold part of the answer. With no tradition of art as a component of society's glorification of God, maybe the most religious did not go into the arts.

It strikes me that these "monuments" aren't intended as works of art, whose aesthetic appeal lifts the spirit. They are in the American vein of "bigger is better" and function more like billboards or advertisements. "Our Savior can be seen clear from I-28!" "Follow the Savior to the Peace Everlasting Church. Free parking!" They are part of a "quantity or bulk spirituality" that treats souls the way Mickey D's treats patties. You deserve a faith today, so get up and get away, to McWorship....
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 10:40 am:   

Have it your way at King of Kings...
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Mike McLatchey
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 11:01 am:   

Some of it is just a lack of any aesthetics when it comes to art. I work for the state of California and I think there was some division or group of people who decided on what was going to be put up as art on the walls. On our floor, we got pictures of vegetable men. I kid you not, little people made of carrots and the like. It's in such poor taste, I never get used to it. They might as well have done a Saturday morning garage sale run.
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Dave G.
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 11:23 am:   

I think religious monoliths are designed to attract attention toward a product like commercial signage, but, yeah, this is happening against a backdrop of declining cultural standards and aesthetic literacy, and growing hostility toward art and the cult of the artist.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction; Andy Warhol turned advertising into art and the purveyors of religious sculpture take art and turn it into advertising. In the culture of irony, this is considered not merely permissible, but laudable.
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PM
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 11:54 am:   

"Some of it is just a lack of any aesthetics when it comes to art."

I agree.

When certain mega-churches are mentioned it's just a taste for tackiness. If these folk were irreligious and rich they'd still be tacky.

As to government buildings that's a different sort of tackiness. That has more to do with a rebellion against "classical architecture".
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 12:19 pm:   

If you ask me, most religious art has always been tacky. True, their were masterpices created during the Rennaisance, but I'm not so sure there aren't masterpeices being done today and we just don't see them for all the tackiness/
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PM
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 12:39 pm:   

and art has become more adversarial. There aren't that many who are willing to go to a museum or an art show to behold art that's intended to piss them off. (Not suggesting that this sort of art shouldn't be created but one has to understand that it's going to have limited appeal if it truly pisses folk off.)

Back in the day, art was intended to knock your socks off. From the peasant to the King everyone could stand in awe (assuming the peasants were allowed in the building)...
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Dave G.
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 02:01 pm:   

Government art is an absurdity, usually done by committee for maximum safety. It's got to satisfy the squirreliest old fusspot Congressman or assemblyman.
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 02:03 pm:   

Old Soviet Government art is pretty cool.
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Dave G.
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 02:04 pm:   

Lucius, if you ask me, tackiness was invented during the baroque, with acres of bouncing flesh, swirling draperies and a veritable fly-swarm of rosy-cheeked cherubs mobbing every picture. Rubens was like the Warhol of his era.
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 02:16 pm:   

Yup. That's what I think.
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Dave G.
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 05:05 pm:   

A final word: if you ever waste somebody, rob a bank or otherwise need to hide out where no living soul will find you, might I suggest the modern religious art galleries of the Vatican Museums in Vatican City. It would be hard to get up a game of one-on-one basketball there.
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 05:10 pm:   

I'll keep it mind. Never had any desire to visit the Vaticanm, no more so at any rate that I have to visit the Poratl of Hell, which I believe is situated in the same location.
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 09:30 pm:   

http://www.jesusdressup.com/
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ben peek
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 09:58 pm:   

...that's great :-)
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, January 29, 2007 - 10:03 pm:   

now if we could just dress up those statues... ;)
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, January 31, 2007 - 08:52 am:   

Kanye West just spent $350K to duplicate the Sistine Chapel ceiling on the ceiling of his Hollywood dining room.

Do we really have to wait until 2080 for the oceans to swallow us?
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, January 31, 2007 - 09:07 am:   

Probably not.

Well, if I had an extra 350 K, I might have an image from a Popeye comic painted on my ceiling...

:-)
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, January 31, 2007 - 02:34 pm:   

What this religious--or anti-religious--kick you're on lately?
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, January 31, 2007 - 04:52 pm:   

I think your hating thread started it off.

I'm not by nature "anti-religious." I was raised a good Catholic boy. Just that lately I've been running across some stuff highlighting the evangelicals, who I think have taken a pretty good message and loused it up, hosing a lot of young kids in the process. That just kind of irks me.

If I grow tiresome, just tell me to shut my piehole.

It is true about the brainwashing, though. Jim Jones used to force his congregation to break down and confess their sins in front of everyone as a mind control technique. There's a scene in JC where they force the kids to do the same thing. It's hard to watch.
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, January 31, 2007 - 04:58 pm:   

No, I just wondered, I was raised RC, too, but I doubt you'd find anyone who'd call me a good boy. Anyway, get back to that good ol' time hating.
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Huw
Posted on Thursday, February 01, 2007 - 07:28 am:   

This is pretty funny:http://atheistdelusion.cf.huffingtonpost.com/
The Atheist Delusion

(You'll need sound for the voice over.)
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, February 01, 2007 - 08:02 am:   

I like the part where the nuclear blast appears to be issuing from the Bible...
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, February 01, 2007 - 09:24 am:   

"I'm sure we'll find fossils of unicorns someday!"
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, February 01, 2007 - 09:28 am:   

Yeah, that was great! Food for thought!!! :-)
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, February 01, 2007 - 10:49 am:   

Someone should calculate the size of an ark that could contain two of every creature and how long it would take to build.
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, February 01, 2007 - 10:58 am:   

I'm sure someone has, but the answer to that--the Lord works in mysterious ways.
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, February 01, 2007 - 02:41 pm:   

http://emporium.turnpike.net/C/cs/ark/sld001.htm

Of course! Noah had to take dinosaurs on the ark, but to save space he took BABY dinosaurs! How could I have missed that?
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PM
Posted on Thursday, February 01, 2007 - 04:18 pm:   

Everybody knows that the dinosaurs died during the flood...
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 06:05 am:   

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0599/jesuspic.html
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 07:20 am:   

OK, here's something we can all have fun with.

Imagine God has spoken to you. He is really ticked off at mankind for wrecking the planet and ignoring his warning about global warming. Another flood is in the offing and you are in charge of building the Human Ark.

You can take 100 people only, who will be responsible for rebuilding the human race.

Who do you take? Geniuses? Athletes? Inventors? Sages? How many men and how many women?

Discuss.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 08:06 am:   

I don't like hypotheticals, but I guess I'd just try to find 100 people who got along with each other. Healthy, for sure. Attractive, but not too attractive. Men and women who were used to hard work. Farmers and such. I wouldn't go the genius route, something I learned playing in bands.
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PM
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 10:31 am:   

I would kill everyone and then myself :-)
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 10:49 am:   

You guys really know how to kill a party. :-)
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 10:52 am:   

Geniuses and athletes wouldn't be much use...I'd want to have people who knew how to do things. Having people to grow food, hunt, build and repair things, provide first aid would be useful. There's no use saving 100 people if they'll all die later due to lack of food or shelter. Avoid complete nutjobs and try to make sure everyone can get along decently.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 11:03 am:   

Right, Robert. I agree.

What were you hoping for Dave? A group including Courtney Love and a musk ox?
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 11:44 am:   

I dunno, some discussion of personalities who different people would save, I guess. Maybe the answer is let 'em all drown.

I think Lucius' approach with farmers would make more sense. Hunters would be good, except there won't be anything to hunt for quite a while.

I was thinking about bringing along a handful of older people very learned in sciences, mathematics, architecture, literature, etc. to teach the next generation and keep learning alive.

I guess I was thinking there would be more compartmentalization and specialization, but hey...

My big gripe about Noah's ark is the incestuousness that would attend any repopulation of the earth by Noah's family, but I've been reading that marriage of cousins is not such a bad thing, so maybe the creationists would refute that objection.

The musk ox would be on the other boat. Courtney? Well, there should be some comic relief for the trip.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 12:17 pm:   

Not if he married Curtney. :-)
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Bruce Chrumka
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 12:29 pm:   

One of my favorite Jesus cults, the Jehovah's Witnesses, are up in arms in British Columbia due to the provincial government seizing two of four surviving sextuplets born to a JW woman and giving them blood transfusions that were critically necessary for the infant's survival. Naturally, the couple will sue the government, i.e. the taxpayer, for trampling their right to ensure that their children are under a death sentence until they're old enough to authorize their own transfusions if needed.

It is interesting to note that artificial insemination and fertility drugs are A.O.K. to the cult, whereas some whackjob's half-assed interpretation of some mistranslated belch from Leviticus makes transfusions a sin, and this is accepted as gospel. I wonder what Jesus would make of that?

[I probably could've posted this on the hate thread, but what the hell.]
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 12:38 pm:   

OK, people who know how to fish would be much more useful than hunters. That bit wasn't thought through very much.

As for cousins, I watched a program on microcephaly, and the scientists theorized it was more common in Pakistan because there were so many cousin marriages.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 12:42 pm:   

Yeah, the Witnesses are hideous beyond belief. A friend of mine dated an ex-Witness for a while, and said she was majorly fucked by that cult.
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 12:42 pm:   

I read an article that said there was only a 3% higher chance of birth defects in marriages between first cousins. But who knows? Mine are already taken...:-)
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 12:52 pm:   

Bruce, how many times do we have to tell you?

God gave Man reason and intellect and set him apart from the animals not so that he could use that intellect to investigate the world and find cures for makind's problems, but so that he could read and reread a 500-year old book looking for answers.

Now, is that clear?
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 01:31 pm:   

Maybe cousin marriages aren't bad in isolation, but if you continue with it frequently, over many generations, you run into problems.
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Bruce Chrumka
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 01:43 pm:   

Cue 'Dueling Banjos'.
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Bruce Chrumka
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 01:47 pm:   

Thanks, Dave...crystal clear. I never could get past the 'begats'. :0)
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 01:55 pm:   

There is a Scots band called Jesus Monkey God. Want to hear them.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 03:33 pm:   

This is priceless:

ttp://www.misspoppy.com/catalog/xcart/customer/product.php?productid=16414
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Bruce Chrumka
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 03:46 pm:   

Hilarious! Did you check out the fridge magnet that says, 'Jesus Is Cool but some of His followers give me the creeps'?
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 03:48 pm:   

No is that on the same site?
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Bruce Chrumka
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 05:24 pm:   

Yep.

http://www.misspoppy.com/catalog/xcart/customer/home.php?cat=313
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 05:31 pm:   

I already ordered stuff. :-)
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Bruce Chrumka
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 06:14 pm:   

Absolutely brilliant website! Loved 'Lock and Load Jesus'.

I gotta get me some of those!
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 06:21 pm:   

Ordered one of those, too. :-)
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Bruce Chrumka
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 06:36 pm:   

Then there's the "Jesus Loves You, Everyone Else Thinks You're An Asshole" fridge magnet. Man, these guys wouldn't last a minute in Iran!

Of course, if they depicted the Prophet, instant fatwa.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 07:19 pm:   

I like the Creeps magnet and the ducky and the ashtray best.

Ever see Searching for Comedy in the Muslim World or whatever Brooks called it? It ain't that funny over there.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, February 02, 2007 - 07:47 pm:   

This is kinda special...

http://www.atomicbooks.com/products/-/9570.html
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, February 12, 2007 - 01:58 pm:   

I guess this is where this belongs...

http://www.hollywoodjesus.com/

Pretty swell take on Lost...
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Mongrelmutt
Posted on Tuesday, March 06, 2007 - 10:54 pm:   

Another link...

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=2925021&page=1
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Lucius
Posted on Tuesday, March 06, 2007 - 10:59 pm:   

Thanks, mongrelmutt
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 09:38 am:   

"Jesus drank wine 'cause he didn't have Dewars."

Unbelievable. A teenage junkie who claims there is no sin. Wow.
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 09:44 am:   

Pretty great, huh?
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 10:35 am:   

Sounds like your next novel.
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 10:45 am:   

Yeah, could be. Lost of material there.
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 10:57 am:   

Personally, I think that you should find a good candidate and start your own Jesus cult up there in the Pac NW. Then, your Jesus could challege Jose de Jesus to a MMA fight for the title of Savior. Now, that's a PPV worth buying.

Lucius de Jesus?
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 10:58 am:   

New t-shirt:

"What Would Jose Do?" (front side)

"Party!" (back side)
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Robert Devereux
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 10:59 am:   

I like the idea of a Jesus steel cage match.
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 11:01 am:   

:-)

That occured to me a while ago, to be the behind the scenes guy for a cult figure. Good idea, but I wasn't sufficiently motivated.
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 12:35 pm:   

According to an article on msnbc.com, this guy apparently is playing ultra-religious Hispanics for suckers, forcing them to tithe while he lives high on the hog.

There's one of these about every 20 years or so, eh?

If you're going to compete with a guy who's abolished sin, you have to give people something more, like a doctrine where sex, alcohol, wealth, drug abuse and self-regard are keys to salvation.
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 12:43 pm:   

Shit, man. You can get people to believe your dog is the second coming if you sell it right.

We'all come from a long line of hallejah shitslingers.
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 01:29 pm:   

Lucius, you don't have a dog!
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Lucius
Posted on Wednesday, March 07, 2007 - 01:35 pm:   

I'd didn't say my dog. I said *your* dog. Hell, I'd just borrow yours.
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Dave G.
Posted on Thursday, March 08, 2007 - 09:11 am:   

The only friends I've got who have a dog have a Boston Terrier. You'd never be able to sell that one; he doesn't even make a very good dog, let along savior.
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Lucius
Posted on Thursday, March 08, 2007 - 09:14 am:   

Ok, not *your* dog. But an appealing mutt...
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Mongrelmutt
Posted on Sunday, March 11, 2007 - 03:34 pm:   

You're welcome Lucius.I couldn't believe it when I saw it. They also mentioned his passing resemblance to Jim Jones. Forget the Kool-Aid, watch out for the Tequila.
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Lucius
Posted on Sunday, March 11, 2007 - 03:45 pm:   

:-)


Hopefully someone will get a'hold of that boy before he starts passing out the purple margaritas.
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, March 30, 2007 - 01:33 pm:   

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/03/30/chocolate.jesus.ap/index.html

I found this story fascinating.

Is a fairly serious, reverent image of Jesus somehow sacreligious solely because of the material from which it is made? Particularly when it's not a material that is offensive to the senses or an eyesore, but rather, one that is pleasant and beloved by all? Would a Jesus made of bread be sacreligious, even though the church has used bread to signify his body for thousands of years?

I think the sculptor asks some interesting questions about art and faith and how we look at them in our society.
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, March 30, 2007 - 01:38 pm:   

http://www.cosimocavallaro.com/
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, March 30, 2007 - 01:40 pm:   

Catholics prefer vanilla or butterscotch.

:-)

Reminds me of a song I learned at Catholic Camp as a kid:

Have a nice treat this Thanksgiving,
chocolate turkeys sure are nice,
and a chocolate cross for Easter,
and for Christmas, chocolate Christ.

You reckon Cavallaro heard the same song?
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, March 30, 2007 - 02:00 pm:   

Reading further, it apparently was not the choice of material that upset people, but the fact that Christ was depicted sans loin cloth. Traditionally, the crucified Christ is not depicted nude, although a wooden crucifix attributed to Michelangelo in Santo Spirito in Florence is nude. M also got in trouble for his nude sculpture The Risen Christ and his nude Christ in The Last Judgment fresco, both of which now were loin cloths added after the fact.
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, March 30, 2007 - 02:13 pm:   

Fuck, add a chocolate loincloth. The thing is, that all bs. Catholics, especially the heirarchy, love to have something to get worked up about, partly because it draws attention away from their incessant sodomy.
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Dave G.
Posted on Friday, March 30, 2007 - 02:37 pm:   

Oddly enough, even though that is the standard solution, it was never even proposed. The gallery just got spooked and pulled the plug on the exhibit.

Granted, I agree that it's all b.s., but it's b.s. with historical precedent.

I wonder if the exhibit would have proceeded if he had offered a chocolate loincloth?
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Lucius
Posted on Friday, March 30, 2007 - 03:11 pm:   

Or, perhaps, a white chocolate loincloth for contrasts. He could have even printed Jockey on it.
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Lucius
Posted on Saturday, April 14, 2007 - 04:30 pm:   

Attention Ben:

Beer as reward for bringing back Jesus Statue
An Australian beer brewer is rewarding 6 crates of beer to the person who finds the stolen statue of baby Jesus.
The statue was stolen from an altar which was established by the
South Australian Brewing Company logo
South Australian Brewing Company for the upcoming Christmas days. According to the director of the company security cameras caught a man climbing over a fence and framing the statue out of the crib.

“We are worried about the well-being of the baby Jesus and we ask for a quick and safe return”, director Powell said. “We are rewarding 6 crates of beer to the person who brings back the statue. Although the idea of visiting the purgatory should be enough for the thief.”
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ben peek
Posted on Saturday, April 14, 2007 - 06:17 pm:   

hahaha.

i'm sure the entire state of SA has nothing better than to look for baby jesus this weekend for a case of beer :-)
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Lucius
Posted on Saturday, April 14, 2007 - 06:24 pm:   

I wasn't sure myself, but now. thanks to my Aussie pal, I am. ;)
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ben peek
Posted on Saturday, April 14, 2007 - 06:36 pm:   

i'm here for all the important questions :-)

i think it was salman rushdie who was said adelaide was the perfect place for a horror movie. i reckon any story that begins with people looking for the stolen baby jesus has got to go that way.
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Lucius
Posted on Saturday, April 14, 2007 - 06:51 pm:   

Never been there, but I'll take Rusdie's word.
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Dave G.
Posted on Monday, April 16, 2007 - 06:45 am:   

What is it with stealing Baby Jesus statues? An old statue of the bambino was swiped from a church on Capitoline Hill in Rome, too.
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Lucius
Posted on Monday, April 16, 2007 - 07:01 am:   

Maybe they're rising again...:-)
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ben peek
Posted on Monday, April 16, 2007 - 03:59 pm:   

maybe people think if you break them open you get wine?
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Alan frackelton
Posted on Monday, April 16, 2007 - 05:58 pm:   

Or there's a spot on the mantle-piece that's just begging for a pilfered icon.
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ben peek
Posted on Monday, April 16, 2007 - 11:00 pm:   

not my mantle piece, i promise.
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jk
Posted on Tuesday, April 17, 2007 - 07:59 pm:   

If you check ebay at any given time there are all kinds of hosers trying to sell something with the image of Jesus on it. I saw someone trying to sell an old door with a stain on it, that was supposed to look like Jesus.
I need to find something with "Jesus" on it and put it up for 30k on ebay!
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ben peek
Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 12:42 am:   

actually, tht doesn't sound like a bad idea. maybe i can find jesus in abit of toast.
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 11:50 am:   

http://cgi.ebay.com/Jesus-Image-in-a-Pizza-Crust_W0QQitemZ250104500278QQihZ015QQ categoryZ47103QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 11:51 am:   

http://cgi.ebay.com/MIRACLE-IMAGE-IN-THE-LIKENESS-OF-JESUS-APPEARS-ON-DOOR_W0QQi temZ280105225694QQihZ018QQcategoryZ35818QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
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Dave G.
Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 11:53 am:   

http://cgi.ebay.com/Image-of-Mother-Mary-on-Arizona-Petrified-Wood_W0QQitemZ3201 03131287QQihZ011QQcategoryZ66793QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
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ben peek
Posted on Wednesday, April 18, 2007 - 07:09 pm:   

that door one appears to be the ticket for me. two and a half grand is what i want for my jesus.

(though the pizza one is my fav)

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