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Super Hero Powers--Which Would You Have?

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JeffV
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 02:21 am:   

This will seem like a silly thread, but I'm really curious. A couple of weeks ago on National Public Radio, when they weren't having a go at being spineless about the possible war, they had a program about cartoon superheroes. They interviewed people about what super power they'd like to have: invisibility or flying. One guy said invisibility because he could stare in his neighbor's window without being seen...and then spent the rest of the interview backtracking and finally saying, well, actually, invisibility wouldn't be a good thing. Another guy said flying, and said it would allow him to pick up the kids easier, in essence!

Then they had a bit about failed super heroes, like one super hero who would say a magic word and all of his limbs would fall so.

So: If you could have ANY possible super power, what would it be and what would you do with it? And what's the worst super power you can think of?

It's 5 in the morning and I'm sick as a dog, so indulge me.

JeffV
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John Klima
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 06:07 am:   

Every time I think of a superpower, I think of a reason why it would be horrible: seeing into the future (great: for investments, saving lives; not-so-great: causing ulcers of worry over things you can't fix...seeing your own death); so, living forever (not really a super-power but...great: you'd live forever; not-so-great: everyone you love, dies [a la HIGHLANDER]); super strength (great: lift cars off people, beat up bad guys; not-so-great: injure yourself in the bathroom [think of your own reason why], hurt loved ones with signs of affection); invisibility (great: live out voyeur fantasies, sneak up on bad guys; not-so-great: get hit by cars, people pissing on you in public toilets [and we all know that Hyde would see you anyway]); then I thought, being able to shit money (great: always have money; not-so-great: money not in greatest condition when you get it, taxes); so I'm left in a conundrum.

I guess the one super power I wish I had woule be the ability to teleport myself wherever I wanted much like a Star Trek transporter or Nightcrawler's *bampf* trick. I spend nearly four hours a day commuting and would love to ge some of that time back. So that would be cool. Although it would suck to teleport on top of someone else or have your destination move on you.

Worst super power? Do the words: "Form of..." mean anything to anyone? How worthless was that to have to transform yourself into water and then drop into a bucket (which was very luckily carried by Gleep everywhere they went) and then your sister became an eagle so that you could actually join the Super Friends on their quests? Seriously, though, the worst super power would be to be able to know the difference between shit and shinola. Or being able to weave things REALLY fast.

JK
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Mastadge
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 06:26 am:   

"great: always have money; not-so-great: money not in greatest condition when you get it, taxes"

What's the problem here? If you're crapping cash, nobody's going to know about it in order to tax it. And in America at least, dollar bills are hardy things - you can put them through the washing machine.
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John Klima
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 06:38 am:   

Well, if you're spending money way outside your normal spending ways, it will garner someone's attention. You'd have to be careful and not crap out $1,000,000 or something. And then what's the fun?

Also, being able to wash cash is handy, but only if you've planned ahead. I know me, and I'd be at a bar and decide we all need another round, or some more pizza, and I'd go into the restroom, and well, it's just not pretty what I do in there.

As for taxes, no, they're not going to catch you if you avoid things like cars or homes and just spend money on food and other disposable items. But again, what's the fun if I all I can spend my money on is fast food and books....hmmmm, I see your point. Maybe it's not so bas as a super power.

JK
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Mike Simanoff
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 07:35 am:   

The worst super power, without a doubt, is the ability to enlarge one's own prostate at will.
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Mike Simanoff
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 07:36 am:   

The best super power: to be able to talk to cookies!
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John Klima
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 07:48 am:   

What if you befriended one of the cookies, would you ever eat it? How would you care for a cookie? What if you developed a relationship with one of the cookies and you had a child that was made entirely out of cookie dough?

Would you have to bake your child to be able to communicate with it?

Oh, I am ever so worried about the state of affairs with you, your cookie lover, and your love-child that is raising all sorts of dough problems, I mean money issues.

JK
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Night Shade Books
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 07:48 am:   

Super Powers Activate! Shape of Wilderbeest, Form of Fudge!

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John Klima
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 07:51 am:   

Apparently all of you skipped breakfast because you want super powers that are related to food. And you're making me hungry.

So, I officially change my wish for super power to be having the ability to make pretzels and soda appear out of thin air.

Hey! There's a Duane Reade in the base of my building. It's like my powers are coming true...

JK
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jonathan briggs
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 08:40 am:   

Oddly enuff, someone else asked me the same super powers question recently. My answer remains the same: I would like the power to melt cellphones into molten slag in the hands of inconsiderate bellowing ayholes.
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Mike Simanoff
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 08:41 am:   

John,

The fallacy is in your belief that establishing an emotional bond with the cookies will preclude their consumption. As far as I'm concerned, this will only enhance their flavor. Besides, there is the practical fact that the cookies can call you on the phone or remind you of their existence from your cupboard, which is great if you tend to neglect them. Not to mention the economic impact of cookie self-advertising.

N.B. I don't eat people.

Mike
(There's a Duane Reade one block away from me in three different directions! Maybe my super power would be the ability to relocate drug stores, but that seems to be a waste.)
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Super Gelatin Man
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 08:43 am:   

I think you're all being facetious.
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Duane Reade
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 08:44 am:   

Hey, back off!
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John Cookie--I mean--Klima
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 09:14 am:   

Mike:

True, true. It seems that I should be thinking of the cookies much as Homer thinks of a pig in the Garden of Eden: there to provide him with sustenance. I just ate some delicious cinamon-chip cookies with my lunch and wished that I could tell them how yummy I found them to be and have them understand my communication.

In your thinking, the cookies would realize--or be limited to the line of thinking--that they were created to be eaten and be proud of that fact and want nothing more than to convince people of their merits of taste.

It seems to me that cookies can already talk to us. Why else would one eat an entire box of Oreos (TM) in one sitting? Or buy 10 boxes of girl scout cookies? It's not like you really want the neighbor to have anything especially good happen to her. Is it that you would just want to be able to return that communication and let them know that they were doing a good job or would you want to be able to weed out bad cookies?

And what about cookie dough? Would you be able to communicate to that as well?

BTW, I still want my super power to be teleportation. Then I could teleport to a cookie factory.

JK
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Nicholas Liu
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 09:26 am:   

This reminds me of Mystery Men.

"I shovel good. I shovel real good."
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Jeff Topham
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 09:33 am:   

Jonathan "Molten Slag Man" is truly a superhero for our troubled times.

I myself wish for the power to cause every public remark President Bush makes to be heard by his audience as an enthusiastic endorsement of sado-masochistic pornography.

That, and flying would be pretty cool, too.

Regards,

Bushochism Man
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Mike Simanoff
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 10:10 am:   

John,

If I go to Lunacon, I'm bringing some of my cookie friends with me! We will all attend your panel and mew softly at your wisdom.

Mike
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Cookie
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 01:44 pm:   

mew
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Michael Cisco
Posted on Monday, March 17, 2003 - 02:44 pm:   

My pal David Goodman and I spent some time working up THE LEGION OF USELESS HEROES. Their ranks included:

EXACT CHANGE (he was my favorite)
MR. SUBWAY (very efficient commuter)
ELDER LIAR (the mentor of the group)
COLONEL STEPMOM (not sure what she did)

Another friend of mine and I collaborated to produce DR. CARPET, who had the ability to carpet any area in any style instantly, and could fire bolts of carpet from his hands at his enemies.

Probably the worst actual comic-book power belonged to MATTER-EATER LAD (not made up (by me)).

My super power? PERFECT HAIRCUT.
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jonathan briggs
Posted on Wednesday, March 19, 2003 - 05:49 pm:   

An artist friend of mine did a sketch that's now on my fridge of a hero named Posthumous Man, who arrives on the scene to find a pile of corpses. "Here I come to save the ... Oh, too late."
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Josh Lukin
Posted on Monday, March 31, 2003 - 01:33 am:   

No, Michael, the worst actual comic-book power would have to include Arm-Falls-Off Boy (Legion of Superheroes 50, third series --an issue featuring Matter-Eater Lad, oddly enough). Me, I'd be Pedantic Man, with remarkable powers of correction, contextualization, and documentation, often locked in combat with the evil Mister Misinformation.
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. . . Man
Posted on Wednesday, June 11, 2003 - 01:04 pm:   

My friends and I actually made a superhero movie, though most of the characters had no superpowers at all. We still got a good laugh out of it. Anyhow, the heroes were:

pi (yes, as in 3.14)
. . . Man (my character, note the dramatic pause before the name)
Guy (just Guy)
The CTB (This guy could cause an erection at the slightest touch . . . eeeewwww . . .)
The Amazing Detachable Dildo (. . .)
Captain Obvious (One of the best characters in the movie)
Slow Cocoa (He was a bit slow on the uptake)

the villains:

e (Another mathematical symbol to go up against pi)
Component (Just plain scary, his costume was based on Machine from 8mm)
King Beaver (A drunken Indian)
Light Boy (Had a flashlight in his shirt)
Dr. Foam (Angry British fellow)
Frenchy The Vanillite (He had a windsheild ice scraper for one hand and the voice of a little girl)
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Rhys
Posted on Thursday, June 12, 2003 - 06:36 am:   

PANMAN -- he has the ability to become everybody else in the whole world for a brief period of time. He is literally a pan-human, an everyman...

He can also make great pancakes and plays a mean syrinx.
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Liz Williams
Posted on Thursday, June 12, 2003 - 01:52 pm:   

To be followed, no doubt, by PANTSMAN - no abilities and dire at everything...
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Rhys
Posted on Friday, June 13, 2003 - 05:20 am:   

Yes Liz, and PANMAN has the ability to become PANTSMAN at any time, because he can become everyone in the world...

However once Panman has done that, he is stuck as Pantsman, unable to change back. That's how dire Pantsman truly is...

So I guess Panman can only be used once.

Which is why he's not around now.

This explains a lot!
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Luís Rodrigues
Posted on Friday, June 13, 2003 - 06:19 am:   

Love the idea for pi and e. And Captain Obvious.

This all reminds me somewhat of Whose Line Is It Anyway?, and the "Unlikely Superheros" game. Anyone else a fan of the show?

Best,
Luís
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Cheryl Morgan
Posted on Friday, June 13, 2003 - 12:14 pm:   

My good friend Kevin Standlee has the super power of Detect Spandex. It is apparently very useful at conventions where there are lots of girls in costume, pretty useless otherwise, and a darn nuissance anywhere near a cycle race.
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Matthew
Posted on Monday, October 20, 2003 - 06:31 am:   

The worse superhero ever had to be the Red Bee. He had train two bees in effort to help him fight crime. That's right two not a swarm of bees just two.
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Jamie
Posted on Saturday, January 17, 2004 - 06:18 pm:   

There are many bad superheroes out there. The trick, I think, is the superheroes who should be bad, but are good in spite of themselves. Like Star Shark, from Flaming Carrot Comics (whence came the Mystery Men.) His power? He's easy to draw.

You may want to check out the Legion of Net.Heroes if you like heroes of questionable value. If you google'em you should find some info on them; they're a UseNet bunch.

... Man -- if pi and e were locked in a titanic battle and fused together by a bolt of energy (it happens), would they have created pie?
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Mastadge
Posted on Thursday, February 12, 2004 - 04:49 pm:   

Pravda:

A Girl with an X-ray vision

01/14/2004 19:02

Moscow's medical workers discovered a magnificent gift of a sixteen-year-old girl Natalya Demkina from Saransk. The girl possesses "dual vision". She is capable of discerning a person's internal organs without using X-ray or ultrasound.

Natasha has already disproved several medical diagnoses and has not made any mistakes. A series of medical experiments conducted in one of the clinics provide substantial and undeniable proofs of the girls' unique abilities.

"Growing up, my daughter was just an ordinary child," states Natasha's mother Tatyana Vladimirovna. "Perhaps, she just a bit more mature than other kids her age. Natasha started to talk when she was only 6 months old. At 1, she could already recite Pushkin and Nekrasov by heart. By 3, Natasha mastered the alphabet and learned to operate a snowmobile," continues her mother. "Since early childhood, Natasha has been resistant to cold temperatures. She practically walked around naked till winter. She once walked barefoot in the snow after sauna [Rus. banya] Overall, she was just a normal kid. Never was she able to see through humans!"

The Demkins family remains puzzled as to the origin of their daughter"s gift. Perhaps, Natasha"s latest surgery has triggered such "vision improvement". Natasha"s appendix has been removed. However, by the time she was scheduled to be sent home from the hospital, she could hardly move. Ultrasound revealed that doctors forgot to remove sanitary cotton tampons from the girl"s intestines. Natasha was once again hospitalized and operated for the second time. In a month after that incident, the teenager was able to surprise her mother with her unique quality. "I see a crimped tube similar to our vacuum cleaner inside of you. I also see two beans and a tomato that resembles a bulls' heart," states the girl. Back then, she was not aware of medical terminology and could not provide a proper name for a heart, a liver, a kidney, or intestines. She simply compared what she saw to fruits and vegetables.

Medical workers of children's hospital N1 decided to conduct several experiments in order to gain some insight into the girl"s gift. Natasha was shown a woman with a whole bunch of illnesses. The girl managed to list every single one of them. Further ultrasound examination simply proved her final diagnosis.

Natasha is capable of distinguishing even the tiniest pathology on a molecular level in the deepest corners of a human body, which are usually left undetected by regular ultrasound. "It's like having double vision. I can switch from one to the other in no time if I need to know a person's health problem," says the teenager. "I see an entire human organism. It is difficult to explain how I determine specific illnesses. There are certain impulses that I feel from the damaged organs. The secondary vision works only in daytime and is asleep at night."

Natasha began her studies at a multi-disciplined academy at the Moscow's State University of Ogarev in order to learn more about organism's phenomenal qualities. There she specializes in medicine. "Being able to use medical terminology, I will be able to state the final diagnosis more accurately. I have to know and understand what I see. This will definitely ease my work with people who come for consultations," states Natasha.

In the meantime, the amount of people willing to attend the girls' consultations increases day after day. News about her wonderful gift has quickly spread around their district. Today, the Demkins family accepts about twenty phone calls a day with cries for help.

"We even have people standing in line right before our door," says Natasha. "I cannot turn them down. I do not accept any monetary rewards either. That is why I am often exhausted by the end of the day. Some people do not even thank me."

Doctors themselves often pay visits to the girl. Several times Natasha disproved their final diagnoses. "There was once a lady who had been diagnosed with cancer. I looked at her and did not notice anything like it, just a small cyst. The woman however stated that she had just been diagnosed with cancer." Secondary examination however revealed that Natasha had been right.

"I would like to get into Moscow"s medical academy of Sechenov. However, I do not think that I will be able to pay for my studies- 70,000 rubles annually. Not even my gift can help me in these matters," says Natasha.

Natasha is right. Despite a number of experiments and thorough medical examinations, the girl's gift still needs to be backed up by scientific evidences and facts. Today, the girl hopes that scientists will notice her and conduct all the necessary experiments. "I have nothing to hide," says Natasha. "Let them experiment with me. Perhaps, they will be able to explain the nature of my secondary vision. Then I guess I will have a chance to study at the most prestigious medical school."


Washington Times

Russian girl claims x-ray vision

MOSCOW, Jan. 15 (UPI) -- Moscow medical workers say a 16-year-old Russian girl possesses "dual vision" allowing her to see internal organs, Pravda reported.

Pravda said the girl, Natasha Demkina from Saransk, has already disproved several medical diagnoses without the benefit of x-rays or ultra-sound, and has not made any mistakes.

"Growing up, my daughter was just an ordinary child," Natasha's mother, Tatyana Vladimirovna, told Pravda. "Perhaps, she was just a bit more mature than other kids her age. Natasha started to talk when she was only 6 months old. At 1, she could already recite Pushkin and Nekrasov by heart. By 3, Natasha mastered the alphabet and learned to operate a snowmobile."

She added, "Overall, she was just a normal kid. Never was she able to see through humans!"

But according to Pravda, all that changed after she suffered complications from an appendectomy

Natasha said she hopes scientists will notice her and conduct all the necessary experiments.

"I have nothing to hide," says Natasha. "Let them experiment with me. Perhaps, they will be able to explain the nature of my secondary vision."
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Luís
Posted on Thursday, February 12, 2004 - 11:30 pm:   

There's some more:

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_860742.html
http://www.nbr.co.nz/home/column_article.asp?id=8184&cid=5&cname=Asia

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